Even the bartender felt bad for me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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