Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
