Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
nutella sex= disaster
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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