I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
