i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
