I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
