I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
