The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
