Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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