there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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