I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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