The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
