I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
