did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
