wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize