nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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