If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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