also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
