i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
