morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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