I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
