he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
