Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
