keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
