if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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