I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
