I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
