Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
please come you make the beer taste better
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
