Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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