and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
