I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
