My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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