My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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