I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I need a beard to bite.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
