Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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