guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
