I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
