My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
