I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Acid is not a monday night drug
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
