Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
