I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
