my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
