you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
