where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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