I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize