Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
