so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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