I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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