You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
