I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
