fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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