its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
