i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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