No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
