First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
