i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
