I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
