I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
