someone threw a dead crab at me
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I wish there were birth control emojis
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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